Birthdays, Waterbaloons & Relatives

My little sister's birthday is July 1st, which usually gets in the way of 4th of July celebrations. Every year something different happens...one year we might be at a conference, the next we could be in Danville. Who knows? This year was even more interesting than most... my Uncle Tracy came to town.

My Uncle Tracy(he prefers to be called 'Tray' for obvious reasons) lives in California with my Aunt Jeanne and my two cousins, Kelsey and Jonathan. Because of distance reasons, we haven't seen my Uncle and his family for almost 6 years. So, naturally we were excited when we heard that Uncle Tray and Jonathan were going to be coming to Virginia sometime this summer on a 'Civil War Tour' of the east coast.

Now, we knew he was coming, we just didn't know exactly WHEN he was coming. Dad, Jeremy and I were scheduled to go to a conference two days after Brittany's birthday. Finally, Dad heard that he was going to be coming the very same weekend as the conference...really bad timing. Fortunately, Dad was able to convince him to rearrange his tour schedule so that he could come at the beginning of that week.

Aunt Patti was also able to come, so it was like a big family reunion for my Dad. He got out all the old family slides and rented a projector. When the crew got here, it was alot of fun. We had dinner and watched slides that first night. We had planned to celebrate Brittany's birthday the next day because everyone was there.

I love to bake. I especially enjoy making cakes, so I usually get the honor of making all our birthday cakes...including mine. Brittany had picked a Strawberry Cheesecake Torte for her cake this year, so I spent most of the morning making it. Mom had taken Brittany with her to the grocery store, so while the cake was baking, Jeremy, Timothy, Jonathan and I decorated the dining room.

Actually, it was just Timothy and me. Jeremy and Jonathan were too busy cooking up mischief with balloons in the kitchen.

Just for the record- the kitchen was a mess. An Angel food cake was laying on the table, cream cheese was softening, the sink had messy pots and pans in it waiting to be washed, and the countertops were powdery from flour.

The boys refused to tell me what they were up too. Finally I convinced Timothy to tell me as long as I didn't tell anyone else.

The boys were snatching extra balloons and filling them up with as much water as possible. Their plan was to fill up a big bucket with waterballoons, wait until Dad, Uncle Tray and Aunt Patti had come home from lunch, and then ambush them.

Not only did they want to get Dad and Uncle Tray soaking wet...they also wanted to make them very cold, which is hard to do with lukewarm water when it's in the 90's outside. So, Jeremy decided to stick ice cubes into the balloons to make ice water balloons.

I said that they could just stick them in the freezer for 15 minutes...but then, who listens to your big sister?

Have you ever tried to stuff an ice cube into the tube of a balloon? Then you should know from experience that it doesn't work well. At first they tried to stick the cube down the hatch without any water in the balloon. That wasn't working, so I suggested that they try filling the balloon up with water first. That seemed to work...until Jeremy wanted to set the balloon on the countertop while holding the top open for the ice cube. Then, of course, all the water gushed out into his face.

Well, eventually the balloons had ice cubes in them, the kitchen was quite wet, and the boys were ready for the ambush that was expected any minute.

Dad and the rest didn't actually get home for another hour, so the 30 minutes spent stuffing ice cubes into water balloons was all for naught.

There is a big difference between normal Balloons and Waterballoons. Ordinary balloons are quite a bit stronger than the types used for water. It is also mush more difficult to get a lot of water into them. When Dad, Uncle Tray and Aunt Patti got home from lunch, Aunt Patti skirted around the fight- while the boys launched their ammo. They had to throw them about three times each before they actually broke. Instead of exploding on the ground, they just bounced into the hands of the men.

I believe the boys lost that water battle.

That night, after we had eaten and the presents had been opened, the whole crew gathered in the kitchen to sing Old Faithful.

I don't know who wrote the 'happy birthday' song...but that ditty has probably been sung more than any other song in history. Every year... the same song.

Someone should really write another.

That song is almost like John 3:16...it's the verse that everyone has automatically memorized. Normally, it goes smoothly, even if you can't sing. Unfortunately that doesn't happen with Marshes.

Mom counted off 1...2...3...

And everyone started in a different key.

If you are having trouble imagining how this must have sounded, go over to the nearest piano, take both hands and press them down at the same time.

Pain.

Not only did everyone start out in a different key, no one seemed to be able to change keys. I tried...and succeeded, but only after sticking fingers in both my ears.

After exactly 24 seconds of torture, we looked at one another, wondering what went wrong.

Dad even got it on video...and he didn't seem to have noticed a thing.

We had a wonderful time with all our relatives...and right after they left, we packed up for our annual Youth Camp...which I'm sure you will be hearing about another time.

Driver's Ed., BAC & friends

I got my driver's permit in April, and I finally got around to taking Driver's Ed. Homeschooler's D.E. is usually held in Virginia Western, a community college not far from here.

It was the first time that I had ever taken a 'real' class...we had about thirty people in our class room, and I found that I really like the college atmosphere. It's a four-hour lecture every day for two weeks...and yes, the attention span of a typical teenager is much shorter than that.

I was very happy to find out that I knew a few people in the class. I quickly made friends with two girls my age...one, Jessica Dunn, I already knew from Singing School. The other, Sarah Bradbury, was Jessica's friend.

Thankfully, we had a break about every 1 1/2 hours...other wise I think the whole class would have exploded from all the restless energy. Most of what we studied was plain ol' common sense...like what the word 'emotion' means, how your personality affects the way you drive, and how to successfully start a car, brake, and accelerate. Most importantly, we heard about when to use a turn signal.

Why is that one of the most important things? Because most adult drivers here in southwest Virginia have forgotten that turn signals even exist.

And they say we're bad drivers...

Most of today's lecture was about Alcohol and drugs. Our teacher didn't tell us NOT to drink, but she didn't recommend it either. She figured that most of us would take a drink at some point in our lives no matter what she said on the subject, so instead of giving us a lecture on the evils of alcohol, we heard about what not to do when you're around it.

I should probably say right now, for the record, that I have had some wine. About 1/2 a teaspoonful of it. I sipped a tiny bit, gave it a 1/100 second taste test, and then spit it back out again.

I don't even like soda all that much. I dislike alcoholic beverages about 100% more. I know that alcohol is the main reason for teenage death, but that's not the reason that I don't like it. The reason that I dislike it is because the stuff is really liquid mold.

I mean really, have you ever thought about the fact that wine or whiskey is really fermented vegetable juice? I bet that if you let that stuff sit out on a countertop in 80 degree weather that it would grow hair in about 30 minutes. I simply can't stand the thought that I am digesting a concentrated dose of the pink stuff that lies on the floor of my shower.

No wonder that stuff makes you sick.

Anyway, we were talking about alcohol. Our teacher, Vicki, had just finished saying that if you know a person has gotten drunk, don't let that person drive, if you are sober, you drive them. At this point, Jessica, who was sitting right next to me, piped up and asked,

"Could it be dangerous to drive with a drunk person next to you?"

Now, Vicki knew that Jessica, Sarah and I were friend because we'd been hanging together for the past week. She thought about Jessica's question for a while, and then decided to give an example.

"Suppose that you and Emily here were at a party and she got drunk, and you had to drive her home..."

Say what???

I think my reaction must have been fairly obvious. The class turned, looked at me, and began laughing. Of course, my next thought flew out of my mouth...

"Oh no. That is sooo not going to happen."

Me? Get drunk?

Excuse me?

Hey, I don't even like soft drinks. Me get drunk?

After the laughter had died down, Vicki went on to say,

"No, if Emily was drunk and you were driving her home, she couldn't be a danger to you unless she grabbed the steering wheel."

And then, of course, I obliged by giving a mime example.

Interestingly enough...that episode wasn't the end of my Driver's Ed catastrophies.

The next day(ummm...this morning, as a matter of fact) was the last day of Driver's Ed. Sarah, Jessica and I were so excited about being free from class that we decided to go and see a movie afterwards. That morning I got to class first...about 8:15 in the morning. After everyone else had gotten there, Vicki finally came in. After giving a speech about what a good class we had been and thanking us for taking the class, she pulled out a surprise...three large boxes of multi-flavored donut holes.

Now, I happen to really really like donut holes, especially the plain ones. Anyway, Vicki put all three boxes on the end of the middle table...right next to me.

I didn't have any donut holes until I had finished my test...about an hour later. Most of the class had already had several. I didn't have any because I was feeling a bit on the sickish side. I finally had one after I grabbed the evaluation that I was supposed to fill out. After I filled out the evaluation I had another donut hole.

I had just put the piece of fried cake in my mouth...when Vicki spoke up.

I think it's necessary to say that we were taking an exam. In other words...the room was as quiet as a tomb...and then my Teacher loudly exclaimed;

"Emily! Another donut hole?? I've been watching you!" Then to the entire class she said, "Ya'll had better come up here and get some donut holes before Emily eats them all."

Ok, so at this point my mouth was full, so obviously I couldn't say anything. I was also incredibly embarrassed. I could feel the blood rushing to my very shocked face.

Here we go again.

Vicki finally realized that I was very embarrassed, so she said,

"Emily, I was kidding. You're fine."

As if that helped. Oh well...it passed.

It was still very very very embarrassing.

I'd love to know why I get picked on by teachers.

Mom said it's because they like me as a student. I really do try!

Teacher's pet.

Mom must have been right, because later on that morning, Vicki called on me to go down to her car to get something out of her briefcase. I suppose she trusted me.

Still, being Teacher's Pet isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

Oh, never try to play bumper cars with the wheeled chairs on a college campus. Trust me...it's not a very good idea.

My reveiw for Prince Caspian

Positive elements:
Edmund is willing to defend his brother by jumping headfirst into a conflict. Edmund is also chivalrous and practical. Later in the movie, Peter is willing to admit his failures and let Caspian take over. Both Peter and Caspian refuse to kill Miraz, even though Caspian has a harder time restraining himself. Lucy, as always, is humble and points to Aslan as the reason behind Peter's kingship. Among other things, Reepicheep's followers are willing to sacrifice their 'dignity' out of respect for their chief. Trumpkin saves both Susan and Lucy and eventually comes to believe in Aslan again. Trufflehunter never lost hope in Aslan and the Pevensies. There are many more, but I can't remember them all!
Negative Elements:
Peter an Caspian have a major power struggle. Peter has a hard time adjusting to not being a king in England, and becomes very arrogant. He also refuses to admit that Caspian is just as capable of leading the Narnians as he is. Peter later plans a battle that turns into a tragic fiasco. Caspian tries to take the law into his own hands and seek revenge.
Controversial Elements:
Susan [i]does[/i] fight with the narnians...in fact, she almost reminds one of Legolas. Despite what Lewis says in LWW (battles are ugly when women fight) it makes sense that she would have fought considering that the Narnians were rather low on soldiers. Besides that, Lewis also had Lucy fighting with the archers in 'The horse and his boy' and Jill fighting in 'The last battle'. And now comes the big controversy... the Susan/Caspian relationship. Personally, I think it's logical. It's probably what would have happened in real life anyway. What I appreciated about it is that there was almost no flirting and the 'kissing scene' was very appropriate...despite the fact that Susan started it. Some people think that Caspian should have known better and that he should have been more reverent towards her as an ancient queen...I disagree. After all, Susan was not a myth. She was a very real person with her own set of problems...and if she had been anything like me, she wouldn't have tolerated that kind of 'reverent' treatment for long.
Conclusion:
Warning: the movie was almost completely different from the book. But also, 'Prince Caspian' is the hardest book of the seven to actually make into a movie. It's basically all walking and talking. I did appreciate that several lines in the movie were direct quotes from the book. I thought that Reepicheep was done perfectly, was well as the Bulgy Bear, Trufflehunter and Miraz. Somehow I always pictured Trumpkin as having a scotch accent, but that's just me. I found myself rooting for Edmund. I did wish that Aslan played a bigger part in this movie, and that Bacchus and Silenus were in it. But other than that, I really loved the movie. There were some things that they could have done differently, but the movie really was eccellent and I highly recommend it to all but the youngest children...it is very very violent. I've seen it once and I'm going to see it again on saturday...can't wait!!

Church Mice

Each month at my church, we have what we call 'Second Fridays'. Second Friday is on the second Friday of every month, and is when the Youth and Singles play babysitter for the parents for a night. We clear all the chairs out of the Sanctuary and let the kids run around and play for a couple hours. Most of the time that gets pretty boring, so every month we have a Game Coordinator. As it happened, this particualar month (April) I was chosen.

Actually I volunteered, but that's not the point.

Everytime I do games for Second Friday, I am amazed at how easily kids get bored these days. Games that I used to love are passionately hated....go figure. So coming up with decent and entertaining games can be quite a chore... especially when you're dealing with about 40 kids.

Another thing you should know about me- even though I am a fully-grown woman, my voice still sounds almost exactly like it did when I was 12 years old. Seriously, it's barely changed. Singing-wise it's kind of nice...but the down side is that my voice doesn't carry very far at all.

It really doesn't...I used to volunteer at a Assisted Living home about once a week. I called Bingo for the residents on teusday nights. I call the numbers, yes, but they are also flashing up on a really really big screen that was behind me. Well, every once in a while some elderly people would come in to play who couldn't hear Jack Squat. For some reason, these same people would almost always manage to sit as far in the back of the room as possible. Go figure. Anyway, one particular evening a lady came in. She was petite, had very white hair, and (as time would tell) was as deaf as a post. True to form, she sat in the very back of the room...never mind that there were three empty seats in the front.
So I was calling out the numbers...and like I said my voice doesn't carry well, so I was projecting quite a bit.
"B2!"
The little old lady in the back couldn't hear me. Apparently she couldn't see the 7 inch tall letters flashing in the background either...so she asked for a repeat.
"B2!"(louder)
Again, the poor woman couldn't hear.
"B2!!"(louder than the last one)
And again she couldn't hear. At last, I drew every last ounce of air from my lungs as I screamed,
"B2!!!!!"
By this time the other contestants in the room were weary of all this, so they all pointed in unison at the bright red flashing board behind me and said,
"B2!!"
She finally got it and the game went on from there.

Anywhoo, the point of that was that my voice doesn't carry very far at all...and that is why i brought my Dad's professional referee whistle to Second Friday and why I had to use a microphone.

I still lost my voice that night.

The games seemed to go pretty well. No one was seriously injured, thank goodness. One of the rules of Second Friday is that none of the kids may leave the sanctuary unless there is a break or thery are bleeding. So far that rule has gone pretty well in the sense that we've only had one broken bone... so far. Yes I know, it's encouraging. This time, however, things went very smoothly...we had relays, races, dodgeball and octopus tag. After all the games were up I had the kids help the Singles to put all the chairs back...which is usually a very lengthy process.

While we were putting up chairs, I was unstacking them by the back wall of the Sanctuary. I had just put a chair down on my foot when I heard one of the kids yell, "There's a mouse!!! Catch it!!"

And then the mouse ran about 4 feet away from me and disappeared in the closet.

Being a member of the gender known as Females, my first instinct is to jump up onto a chair as fast as possible...and I am ashamed to say that I followed my instincts quite well that time. As soon as I did so, the thought ran through my head 'Emily, you're the leader of all these kids and you are up on a chair!! what is wrong with this picture?'

I got down from the chair about as fast as I jumped up.

But, of course, all the kids saw the whole thing and I still haven't lived it down.

Anyway, the mouse instantly attracted all the kids to the closet. They stood there in a group for about five minutes until Mike, one of the Singles in our church, broke up the gathering.

And then Mike goes and makes up the saying, "There's a mouse in the Lord's house!"

I know, it's cheesy.

The little group congregated again in front of the closet to watch for the mouse to run out. This time it obliged. The mouse sped out of the closet right into the group of kids.

I'm sure you can imagine what kind of a reaction that started.

After that I wasn't able to quite get control of the kids, but the parents showed up at the same time so it's all good.

Spontaneous outbursts of Humor by God.

Everyone thinks that their family is unique in one way or another...and sometimes mine can be a little more than unique. I love 'em. They're the best! This is a story that took place over Easter weekend...well, ok, just a little bit longer than that, about two weeks or so.

I think that God has an incredible sense of humor! Don't you just love it when the weatherman predicts 60 degree sunshine and we get about 5 inches of snow instead? That's an example of God's sense of humor. He's showing us (particularly the weatherman) that He is the only one who can control the weather, circumstances and our lives! Anyway, God's sense of humor can be a little quirky at times...and that's what this story is all about.

I have three siblings, which pretty much means that there are six people living under one roof. Six people use a whole lot of stuff... tissues, food, clothing...oh, and toothpaste. Lots and lots of toothpaste. It's kind of hard to economize on stuff like toothpaste without having to take a trip to the Dentist...and in the long run, it's a lot cheaper to buy $4.00 worth of toothpaste than to pay $600 to get a few cavities drilled out.

Anyway, it was the week before Easter. We were eating all sorts of sweet stuff and junk...and we were also down to the dregs on toothpaste. Not a good situation. Kroger had had a big sale on toothpaste the week before and Mom had gotten two new tubes of it. Unfortunately, when I went to look for it I couldn't find any.

People who know me for a while know for a fact that I am no good at finding things. Seriously...I'm awful. If there was a frog in the freezer I probably wouldn't see it. So, typically I am not the best person to ask when it comes to finding stuff...especially food items. But on this rare occasion I was right- there was no toothpaste. Period. Even mom couldn't find it.

By the time it got to Easter Weekend, our toothpaste was pretty much non-existent. What remained had been evaporated to wax-like gunk. If I had needed wax for my braces that would have been the stuff to use. Anyway, after church was over, my family and I took a road trip to Chatham, VA to visit my grandparents...actually it usually ends up being more of a family reunion 'cause half the family lives within 150 meters of each other.

...secretly I think that everyone was hoping that Grandma and Grandad would have some toothpaste so's that we could have thoroughly clean teeth for the first time in a few days.

Did they have any extra toothpaste? Well, the answer to that one was no. In fact, they were almost out of toothpaste too. Maybe it was a virus or something...

Anyway, I usually brush my teeth twice a day...which means that I would have brushed them 4 times during our stay. In reality I only brushed them twice for obvious reasons.

Things were going pretty well. I drove for the first time, Nearly gave Dad a heart attack, and semi-invented a recipe. The boys spent alot of their time down at the pond fishing with Great-Uncle Charles' fishing lures and poles. On our last night, Grandad took them down there to fish for big-mouth bass. They were having a great time enjoying each other's company...until Jeremy accidentally lost Uncle Charles' fishing lure in the water.

Poor Jeremy. Everything alwasy happens to him! Of course, sometimes that's his fault, but this time it was purely an accident. Naturally, Grandad made Jeremy and Tim walk the 100 yards past the farm to Uncle Charles' house to apologize.

Now, Uncle Charles is a great guy. He used to raise Ostriches, llamas and donkeys. No kidding. As a kid I would have the best time going down to see the animals. About two years ago he got rid of all the animals and went into landscaping. For some odd reason, his work gives him all this free stuff that he doesn't know what to do with. So, right before Jeremy and Tim left the house, Uncle Charles called and asked if we could use some toothpaste.

Does Billy Graham have a bible time?

So, as it turned out, we ended up with 10 tubes of Clean mint, tartar protection, cavity stopping toothpaste. We gave two tubes to Grandma and Grandad because they were out of toothpaste too.

Isn't God's sense of Humor great? it's amazing how he takes care of us...even in the littlest things ...

...like toothpaste.

Of squirrels, fishing lures and whole-wheat flour.

I have two brothers- Jeremy(who is 14) and Timothy(who is 11). Jeremy is big and somewhat burly, and Tim is smaller and...well...thin. They are always doing something together- whether it is work or play- and always manage to get into the most...well...interesting circumstances.

My brothers are very different in personalities, but they both share one very important dream. The dream is to be a 'country boy'.

Definition of 'Country Boy': A person who has a country accent, wears dirty clothes, likes to hunt and fish and can survive without a playstation- This also includes being 'rough and tough' as it were.

They frequently have competitions about who is a 'country boy' and who is a 'city boy'...competitions that usually are completely ridiculous and have absolutely nothing to do with actually living in the country. Jeremy usually wins these competitions simply because he is bigger and stronger. He has convinced himself that when you look up the term 'country boy' in the dictionary you will see his picture.

I tell him to give it up....not that what I say generally matters.

Anyway, Jeremy's best friend, Jonathon, really is a country boy...and he tells Jeremy all sorts of stories about hunting and how you tan pelts etc. Jonathon has also given many tips on how to shoot squirrels and small animals. To shoot squirrels you are supposed to have a rifle...unfortunately all that we have in the house is a cheap BB gun. But does that bother Jeremy? No sir. Everytime he sees a squirrel he grabs the gun, rushes out the door and shoots...

Most of the time he narrowly misses, but if he does hit the target it doesn't really do anything to the squirrel because it takes over 20 good shots at very close range to actually kill a squirrel.

...oh, when it comes to killing squirrels, I am all for that. My personal belief is that squirrels are just about the greatest pests that were created. I hate them. They thoroughly deserve to be shot because they dig up my garden.

ok, enough about that. Back to the story...

My mom does her best to help us to eat healthy food. She even goes so far as to grind her own wheat flour about every two weeks. Grinding flour is very unpleasant indoors. Not only does it coat everything with fine dust that gets in your lungs, but it also makes an incredible noise. So, naturally we do it outside.

One fine september day, Timothy ran into the house to tell Jeremy that he had found a squirrel. Timothy was so excited that he almost slipped and fell down the stairs. Anyway, the squirrel was half hidden behind a bush and had been dead for some time. Jeremy was ecstatic because Jonathon had recently told him that you can sell squirrel tails as fishing lures for $5 apiece...

...some people will do anything to make money.

Jeremy put on a pair of rubber gloves and moved the squirrel over to the driveway so he would have a good hard surface to cut the tail off....unfortunately it was also wheat-grinding day.

Jeremy's knife was so dull that it took him a good 5 minutes to actually separate the tail from the rest of the body. He and Tim proceeded to salt the tail and leave it in the sun for about 5 hours...

Unbenounced to me, they had left the squirrel tail about 5 feet away from the wheat grinder.

When I stepped over the threshold to the carport, I was horrified to see individual squirrel hairs scattered all over the wheat grinder...

You can probably guess what I did next.

I brought out the broom, swept all the hair away, covered the wheat and picked all the hair out of the all ready ground flour.

Talk about a mess...

Let's just say that that's never happening again.

Jeremy never was able to sell that tail.

Deer hearts are even better than skulls

For the past several months my mother has been trying to get me to dissect a frog. She even went so far as to buy a dead frog from a homeschool website.

Gag.

Mom finally returned the frog, much to my relief. Unfortunately last week she scheduled a time when we could all go over to the Vaughn's and study a (rather fresh) deer eye and heart.

Both had been previously frozen and had slightly changed in consistency. The eye, for instance, had half turned to rubber and the heart almost looked like....a peach....even though it was red. And soggy. And more then a little bit icky.

I have to tell you, it was very disconcerting to open the refridgerator door and see the heart and that eyeball staring right at you.

Egad...creepy.

After the heart and the eye had been drained in the sink, two cutting boards were taken out and set on the table. Melody and I studied the area around the table to try to find the spot where we would be the furthest away from the raw heart.

....heh.

Nothing against dear Mrs. Vaughn, of course, but her knives are awful. At first we tried to cut open the eyeball with a small knife; but it was so dull that it wouldn't slice through even a little bit. Then mom brought out the butcher knife....

Jeremy, who has gutted a deer before, warned Mom about the eyeball.

"Mom, be carefull or the eyeball will explode!"

She shook that off thinking that he was pulling her leg and trying to make her nervous about cutting open a raw eyeball. It turned out that he was right. When the butcher knife finally penetrated the skin around the eye, a big glob of clear jelly and a bunch of liquid suddenly squirted out all over the place.

Naturally she screamed.

I have to admit, Mom surprised me. She gritted her teeth and dug into that eyeball with no gloves on or anything, which is the exact opposite of what I expected her to do. After she eventually mushed the eyeball to pieces with her fingernails, we turned to the heart.

Oh joy.

During the eyeball demonstration, Jeremy kept digging his fingers up the arterys and into the cracks of that heart. Seriously, that heart looked exactly like a skinless, faceless orc. No, really. It was nasty.

Mrs Vaughn found a better knife and Mom sliced the heart right down the middle. She found the left atrium and the right atrium, the left ventricle and right ventricle and probed and stuck her fingers into every part.

Mom's got guts when it comes to that sort of thing. Fake spiders will make her flip, but when it comes to raw hearts and eyeballs she's a real brick.

Finally, after about 45 minutes we were through. The boys were given the job of bagging up the heart and eyeball and taking it to the trash.

And then Isaac goes and pretty much throws it into my face....

I was happy.

I was thrilled.

At that moment I just about wanted to hug him to death.

and I really mean to death.

I think that I have seen just about enough deer parts and organs to keep me satisfied for the rest of the month of January.

I just hope that Febuary isn't going to be this weird.

Oh, by the way, Mom's not going to let me get away with not dissecting the frog. She's scheduling a time in the spring for me to do it.

I suppose that my next story about wild animals and their blood will be titled 'The Frog Prince'.

And no, I will not kiss the thing. In fact I will do all that I can to stay away from it.

P.S. (I just found out that mom did NOT return the dang frog...I think she put it into the attic for storage....)

Sweet Pickles

For those of you who do not know, My family roots are in Danville, Va. My grandparents live there and my great-grandparents lived there before them.

Anyway, my grandfather had 11 siblings and 4 still live in Danville on the same street right next to each other.

His youngest sister, my Great-Aunt Sue, is normally a very good cook. Her yeast rolls, for instance, taste storebought and her cakes are great. But her pickles....

A few months ago, I decided to go through the refridgerator and organize it. I admit, the fridge was in desperate need of help. I found about a half of a loaf of moldy bread, a very hairy tomato, and a pair of sweet potatoes.

Green sweet potatoes.

But the last ( and most interesting) thing that I found was a small tupperware.

The tupperware was slightly green colored, and so foggy that you couldn't see what was inside without opening it. The lid was also sticky...

Anyway, Mom said to keep it because dear Aunt Sue had given it to us around...oh...two years ago.

Pickles will keep for forever, you know.

Two months later my younger brother Jeremy went on one of his 'health streaks'.

Definition: Deny any kind of sugar or fat during a meal so that you can eat more sugar or fat later in the afternoon.

Everyonce in a while, when Jeremy goes on his 'health streaks' he gets a craving for pickles. Usually he eats the plain old storebought pickles because they only contain 30 calories per pickle.

Sounds unhealthy to me.

But then, we ran out of storebought pickles. But Alas, Jeremy wanted one. So he dug into the fridge and unearthed the green, slightly sticky tupperware from Aunt Sue. That was his first mistake.

The second mistake was opening it.

Immediately, the entire kitchen was filled with a strong, sickly-sweet smell. I have never smelled a corpse, but if I ever do I will not be surprised if it smells like sweet pickles.

Like I said, the tupperware was green. And for a very good reason. The pickles were cut into thin strips that looked like moldy carrots. The liquid(or kerosene) that surrounded the pickles in the tupperware was thick, cloudy and light green. Not altogether the most appetizing thing that I have ever seen.

Jeremy's third mistake was eating one.

I can see it now: the poor, unfortunate fork slowly being lowered to the rim of the tupperware, gazing into the thick green juice. It's too bad that Forks cannot talk, because if they could I am quite sure that the untensil would have been screaming out to jeremy to save him from the cucumbers that smelled like death.

Did I mention that the juice was thick? It was. Thick as bubblegum cough medicine and five times as nasty.

I never did like bubble gum cough medicine. The stuff is grainy enough to chew and it sticks in your throat for half an hour.

Somehow, Jeremy had convinced my other brother, Timothy, to "be a man" and try one as well. Phrases like "Be a country boy" and "Stick together" were common.

Anyway, they both decided that since Jeremy was the oldest, Jeremy would be the first to take the plunge. He grimaced painfully and lifted the fork to his mouth and retracted it just as fast. The stuff really did smell like death. When he had gathered up his courage yet again(which took a while), he bit off a piece of the pickle before he could change his mind.

Now, generally Jeremy isn't much of an actor, but I have to admit, he did a humdinger of a job on this one. When the marinated cucumber entered the vast cavity of his mouth he didn't move a muscle. He actually chewed it up and swallowed it without flinching.

Honestly, part of that was because he wanted to see Tim's reaction to the cuke. Timothy reluctantly took a bite, scrunched up his face, and spit the pickle back out before you had time to say Who's-your-uncle.

'Sweet Pickles' they were called. The name was not an exaggeration. Those pickles were so sweet that each one must have been positively steeped in sugar syrup for a week. When you take that and add storage in a fridge for two years, well now, that is a pickle.

We begged mom to let us throw the pickles away once and for all, but no sir! Wasting is a sin.

You know; I doubt that even people in Haiti would have eaten those Sugar Soakers.

Eventually we got rid of the pickles(much to everyone's satisfaction).

Fortunately Aunt Sue hasn't made pickles in a very long time.

And the next time she does I'm not touching them.

Bubble gum cough medicine really is nasty.

I wished for a green light.

Ok, so I was driving home from church a few weeks ago. Not that unusual. We were about as calm and collected as Marshes ever are. We had stopped at a stoplight that lasted a very long time. I was bored...

And then I noticed the car next to us.

I guess it wasn't that unusual. It was a little red sports car with tinted windows so I couldn't see exactly what was going on in there. But from my point of view....

It seriously looked like two guys beating the tar out of one another.

Sheesh, that's interesting. There are two guys in their 20's pounding the daylights out of each other, not to mention their car.

Speaking of the car....it was shaking. Literally trembling from the turmoil inside. I could see two fists trying to hack the steering wheel to pieces.

....and then the car door swung open.

We were sitting at a stop light that was going to change at any moment, and here this blond, tall, surfer dude jumps out of this teeny car.

In these jerky, robotic movements the guy started break dancing in the middle of the street. No kidding.

It might have been all right had the guy had any talent for dancing, but no. He looked like a puppet being tortured.

Right then, it would have been cool to see what would have happened had the light turned green at that very moment.

He pounded his car a bit and then folded himself up in order to get back into the car.( did I mention that the guy was tall and gangly?) Once inside his car he continued to punish his poor auto.

Finally. The light turned green.

It was a little too late in my opinion.

Moral of this story: Never dance in the middle of the street at a stop light. Really. It's stupid.

This story isn't half so good as my Deer story.

I love deer skulls.

How to begin.... New Year's Eve. For New Year's my family and I went to my Grandparents for a late Christmas. Don't ask why. It's a long story. Anyway, for those of you who don't know, they live in Chatham, Va, which is very remote and just about the tiniest town that you will come across. The post office is about the size of a jail cell. No Kidding. I judge towns by the size of their post office(s).

Ok, that was kidding. I really don't do that...

Anyway, we had a great time. We ate food, played 3 games of boggle, ate more food... We started to watch Spiderman1 at like 10:00...which by the way is a bad idea because we didn't finish until about 12:30. I finally slept at like 1 o'clock in the morning which is scandalous.

Bunny Trails. I love bunny trails. Have I ever told you that I love bunny trails? I do. Bunny trails are like....big puffy marshmallows falling from the sky...

Never mind.

New Year's Day dawned bright and cheery in the cold and somewhat windy land of Chatham. Eventually my family got up and at 1:30 in the afternoon my cousin Kayleigh and I went exploring to the old Mill.

Explanation: The 'Old Mill' is a big stone structure that has been on the banks of a creek for over 100 years. About 70 years ago it burned down, but the stone parts and the really big and REALLY rusty wheel still there. Needless to say, it's cool, and the only time that you can actually get to it is in January or February and even then it's quite a job not to get thorns in your shoes(which, by the way, I got several) and not to tear a hold in your clothes. Around the Mill are a bunch of staircases that lead to nothing, and walls around big pits that go to about 9 feet deep. Real fun.

Anyway, My cousin and I decided to take what I call the 'Scenic Route.' There are two ways to get to the Mill. You can be a citified chicken ( no offense intended) and take the logical path (the nice, paved road that goes right past the Mill) or you can choose to be Brave, Bold and Adventurous (in other words... a farmer) and take the 'Scenic Route'. My cousin, unfortunately, leans toward the former, whilst I am the latter. Naturally, since I knew both ways, we went my way.

The 'Scenic route' is a lovely, peaceful and tranquil walk through the woods, past a creepy cabin, through a meadow until you have reached the Mill. If you're lucky and don't get lost, that is. Anyway, we were having a lovely time. The sun was shining and the birds were building their nests.

Or they would have been had it not been very cold, windy, and January.

We were progressing wonderfully. We only tripped about 5 times each; She tore her jeans and I landed in a mud pile. Figures.

Actually, it really was a nice walk. We didn't trip and I did not land in a mud pile. Like I said, it's a pretty journey through the forest. Since we don't see each other often we took advantage of the time together and talked. And talked. And talked some more.

I was having a good old time, walking and talking like a typical girl. Then about halfway through the woods I realized that I was standing on something rather hard.

A half-eaten deer carcass. My Gosh. Doesn't that just lift your spirits and send them soaring? Mine sure did. Soared right up that golden staircase all the way to heaven.

Boy, that skeleton sure did add to the scenery. I don't know what it was.... maybe it was that deer's bohunkus that was still intact. Maybe it was the empty eye holes that stared into nothingness. Maybe it was the fact that I was standing on the neck. I don't know what it was, but something about that dead deer made my forest experience the best thing that ever happened to me.

That deer was so pretty. If I had had gloves and a garbage bag, you know what I would have done? I would have removed the entire thing, bohunkus and all, reassembled it, and hung it from the ceiling in my bedroom, right above my bed.

And that is the end of Part 1 of 'The deer story'. The rest you will have to come up with yourself.

Seriously, though... all of that is the gospel truth.

Why do these things always happen to me?

Did I mention that I love Bunny Trails?